Spontaneous disappearances

I really hate losing things.

I’m not talking about the earring that fell out of your ear because you threw away those dumb plastic backs, or the iPhone that fell out of your pocket (again) in the cab. I’m talking about stuff you swear you had. And then it is gone without a trace.

I once had a biology teacher who told the class one day that he was absolutely certain of the phenomenon of spontaneous displacement. Exactly opposite to the process of spontaneous generation, this theory holds that things can randomly, and spontaneously, disappear. Perhaps they relocate, perhaps they…combust. Either way, finito.

He didn’t preach this to us, per se, but it was one of those things that someone mentions in an off-hand way that sticks with you for years. Like, since 9th grade. And after nearly 10 years of thought, I’ve come to the conclusion that Mr. L is most assuredly right. I have a few examples:

1. You know when you look at a picture of yourself from a few years ago, and you go, “OMG, I loved that shirt! Where the hell did it go?” How do you just…lose clothes? Presumably you aren’t the type of person who runs around topless, discarding articles of clothing left and right while tearing through city blocks. You are a normal person who washes her own clothes and puts them away. The farthest clothes go off the body is from the hamper to the washer to the closet.

How is it possible that I have no clue where so many of my favorite pieces of clothing have gone? How do I just “lose” a shoe?

2. Speaking of spontaneously disappearing clothing, I physically cannot do a load of laundry without losing a sock. Again, the longest journey a sock goes on is from my foot to the hamper to the washer to the dryer. But somehow, the trek is arduous and only one sock of the pair will make it out alive.

3. Hair things and bobby pins. Where the eff do they go? Why do I have to buy new packs of these things every few months?

Too many things on this planet go without explanation. Matter can be neither created nor destroyed? Yeah right.

Call me skeptical.

Incidentally, if you start subscribing to this theory, you’ve got a great excuse for when the container of Supremely Spicy Hummus is mysteriously completely scraped clean even though you just opened it. Or when holy crap where did that burrito bol go?

Spontaneous disappearance. That’s where it went.