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Dating, cont.

September 8, 2009

I started off by giving you a few things I think we girls are doing wrong as we try to meet our future boyfriends. I also offered the disclaimer that I am absolutely no expert, that I do not understand boys whatsoever. I’m going to describe some anecdotal evidence I’ve collected over the past few months about what I think boys and girls should and should not do. I’m sure this won’t amuse everyone and is likely to offend some people, but these are my observations and opinions and you may disagree if you like. It may make me a heartless bitch, but so be it.

Anecdotal Evidence #1. The dance floor.

I recently went to one of DC’s popular bars with a sweaty, dark, and loud dance floor. My friends and I love this place, we love to dance and sing and shout, and this night was not unlike any other. However, I started to notice some icky habits that I can almost guarantee are offending womenfolk out there.

The mistake: Instead of making eye contact with an attractive female, either grab her by the wrist and pull her to you, or go up behind her, where she cannot even see you, and start grinding into her back. I cannot begin to analyze the logic behind this, but it’s creepy. I don’t know one girl who would respond positively to this unless she was severely inebriated or you were supremely attractive. In which case, and I’m sorry if this is rude, I can only surmise that you would have approached her front-on.


Tip: Smile at her from across the room, and catch her eye. See how she responds to this. Does she smile back, but look away? Does she smile back, look away, but then look back? Does she avoid your gaze completely? Observe, and plan accordingly. Then approach. Give her a chance to talk to you shout over the music into your ear for a second first and give her the option of dancing with you or not. Ask if she wants to dance, or maybe if she wants a new drink. Don’t act like an animal, or as if we exist merely to be ground against. We don’t like that!

Anecdotal Evidence #2: The cleverly disguised insult as pick-up line.

The mistake: I was in this same bar, which oddly enough has TVs lining the ceiling above the dance floor. I paused from my dancing for a moment to watch coverage about the newest Philadelphia Eagle, Michael Vick—an acquisition that happened the day before. Vick-sated on the TV, I turned to someone who had approached me and said: “You don’t look like you’re having fun.”

This really irritated me. First, I was having fun, a blast actually, and had simply looked up to check out the TV for a moment. Second, if for some reason I weren’t having the time of my life at the bar, a stranger coming up to point this out to me would not make me suddenly spectacularly happy. Something about this line insulted me, along the lines of your coworker telling you that you look tired when actually you feel great and spent extra time blow drying your hair that morning. It didn’t work on me, anyway.

Tip: Say a girl is (shockingly) watching the TV on the dancefloor instead of dancing. Ask her what is captivating her, if you want to approach at that moment. Figure out what she is watching and say something clever. (“So, you must either love or hate the Eagles now, how do you feel?”) Tell her she shouldn’t be watching TV in a bar and ask her to dance. Something that doesn’t imply that she looks grumpy, sad, unhappy, and like she’s completely un-fun.


(It was a depressing day, all right? I probably DID look like I was having no fun. But don’t point it out to me unless you’re also trying to tell me that I look soooo beautiful frowning you can’t wait to see me smile….)


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