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Great, I now dread 2050

March 10, 2010
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[A guest post by CG]

Which is worse: Sex with an ex, a one-night stand, or no sex at all?

After reading the Daily Intel’s devastating post informing me that according to a recent study, I only have approximately 40 years left of sex (and that, wouldn’t you know, men have until they are 70 and of course, women only ’til they’re 65), I got a little panicked. Forty years might sound like a lot to me if I were currently with my lifelong partner, but alas, I’m not. Not only have I yet to find my soul mate but I am also currently in a self-imposed dating hiatus. After reading this article, however, I’m starting to think I need to break out of this dry spell. Assuming I don’t find Prince Charming by this weekend, which is a pretty safe assumption, I’ve started seriously considering my options. So back to my initial question: Which is worse?

I guess the right (and boring) answer is, “It depends.” After contemplating each scenario, I realized they’re not all that different when you evaluate your expectations. Do you expect the ex to cuddle, admit his past indiscretions, and tell you he’s changed, you were so right, and he’s ready to be The One? No? Then by all means, proceed. Do you want the guy you met at the fratty pub down the street—the one with all the lines but who just can’t seem to remember your name—to not only suggest a candlelit dinner for two the following night but to actually follow through? Do you care that the number of guys you slept with will suddenly require not only your two hands but also some toes on your right foot? No and No? Then, again, go for it.

Unfortunately, I myself cannot answer “no” to any of those questions. Like many girls, I have a tremendously hard time separating the physical from emotional. I’ve learned enough lessons in the past to finally recognize that no matter how much I tell my heart to get out of my head, it is not in my genes to make that happen. So, I’m taking karma’s big bold hints and realizing that because I answered yes, yes, and yes, “none of the above” is my survey answer. Instead of drunk-dialing that long-lost ex, or going home with the guy who’s 10 Bud Lights deep and slurring something like “you have the most beautiful ti—smile I’ve ever seen, Carmen,” I’m going to make the best of my slightly depressing, abstinence-filled situation.

How? I get to take up the whole bed, avoid walks of shame, and protect my fragile heart from the shocking acute pain only past lovers are able to inflict. And I also have the knowledge that once I do find someone, you better believe I’ll be making the most of my 40 years.

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3 Comments leave one →
  1. Laura permalink*
    March 10, 2010 1:20 pm

    Cara, I completely agree. Other great things about abstinence include sleeping in, not having to share your bacon at breakfast, and getting complete control over the DVR. Plus you can eat garlic bread whenever you want it and you never have to shave your legs. Sweet deal!

  2. an ex permalink
    March 10, 2010 3:17 pm

    having the whole bed to yourself is by FAR the best reason you have provided for remaining abstinent. can’t beat that. oh, i’m uncomfortable? THERE’S A WHOLE OTHER BED HALF RIGHT OVER HERE!

    other than that, well done juice!

  3. The Overseer permalink
    March 10, 2010 5:52 pm

    Dearest of Caras,

    It appears there is a need to take a few steps back and look down at yourself from a fresh perspective void of aforementioned emotional restraints. It is only of recent times (few hundred years) where monogamy has become the general rule in western cultures. We are of course an exception to the general rule of nature however, and should take a leaf or two out of all the other mammal’s (bar a few) books. Roam loose on the prairies and frolic in the meadows, fornicating with all that you cross paths with for it is not until later in life, where a restrictive piece of metal will prevent any such excitement to happen again.

    Be a rebel and break free from the conservative doctrine that has been thrust upon you since inception. You must disallow your instilled preconceptions of polygamy and game from thwarting your natural direction in favour of abstinence. You will find yourself locked in a vicious cycle of cancerous television nights when the streets of Boston (hopefully not literally) are calling, if those ideals are allowed to thrive.

    With the flick of a switch and a small change of mindset you will be ready for the arrival of the dice wielding meke master, who as luck would have it may return unannounced in the not too distant future.

    Your friend,
    The Overseer

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